Timothy Patrick McMahon

Yes, THAT Timothy Patrick McMahon!

Glengarry Glen Sith

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Josh Millard did an epic job of combining Mamet and Lucas.  HERE is his original piece, but I enjoyed it so much  I had to reprint it here.  (reprinted with love, but without permission)



VADER: Let’s talk about something important…

[Vader snaps toward Ozzel]

VADER: Stop. That. Breathing.

[Ozzel freezes]

VADER: Breathing is for chokers only.

[Ozzel gasps]

VADER: You think I’m Jedi mindtricking you? I am not Jedi mindtricking you. I’m here from Coruscant. I’m here from Palpatine and Sidious. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.

VADER: Your name’s Ozzel? You call yourself an Admiral, you son of a Bith?

[Motti stands up]

MOTTI: I don’t gotta listen to this sorcery–

VADER: You certainly don’t, officer. Because the good news is, I’ve altered the deal. The bad news is, you’ve got, all you have got one week to convince me not to alter it further. Starting with tonight. Starting with tonight’s rebel crackdown.

VADER: Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. Because we’re adding a little something to this month’s Imperial Raffle. As you all know, first prize is a TIE Advanced Fighter model x1. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steaksabers.

VADER: Third prize is I’m your father.

VADER: You get the picture? You laughing now? You got the Force. Palpatine and Sidious invested good midichlorians. Find their coordinates and kill them. You can’t forcechoke the rebels you’re assigned, you can’t forcechoke shit, you are shit. Hit the reactor chasm, pal, and beat it, because you are going out.

OZZEL: The Force is weak.

VADER: The Force is weak? The fuckin’ Force is weak? You’re weak. I’ve been wearing this helmet twenty years–

MOTTI: What’s your name–

VADER: Blast you, that’s my name.

[Motti laughs uncomfortably.]

VADER: You know why, Admiral? Because you flew a Tatoiine podracer to get here tonight, I drove an eighty billion credit Imperial Destroyer. That’s my name.

[Motti waves Vader off. Vader turns to Ozzel.]

VADER: And your name is you’re powerconverting. And you can’t play in the Sith’s game? You can’t crush them? Then go home and tell your protocol droid your troubles.

VADER: Because only one thing counts in this war: get them to die in the base which is rebellious! You hear me you bordok-loving rebelhuggers?

[Vader activates a holoprojector. Acronyms glitter in the still conference room air.]

VADER: A.B.C. A, always; B, be; C, choking. Always be choking. Always be choking!

VADER: F.O.R.S. Find, overwhelm, retrieve, smother. Find. Have you found some rebels. Overwhelm. Are you overwhelming their defenses, I know you are because it’s crush or walk, you choke or you hit the escape pods. Retrieve, have you retrieved the rebel plans for Kenobi. And smother.

VADER: F.O.R.S. Get out there. You got rebels starting uprisings, you think they’re doing that to get out of the asteroid field? A guy don’t threaten the Empire unless he wants a quashing. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their plans. Are you gonna choke them? Are you man enough to choke them?

[Motti laughs.]

MOTTI: Incredible.

VADER: What’s the problem, Admiral?

MOTTI: You, Vader. You’re such a monk, you’re so powerful, how come you’re coming down here and wasting your parsecs with a buncha Hutt-slime?

[Vader gestures to his belt.]

VADER: You see this lightsaber?

[He sets the weapon on the conference room table.]

VADER: You see this lightsaber?

MOTTI: Yeah.

VADER: That lightsaber cost more than your speeder. I subjugated a hundred and seventy star systems last year, how many did you subjugate? You see, Admiral, that’s who I am, and you’re sarlac food. Evil guy? I don’t give a shit. Posh accent? Fuck you, go home and iron your Nazi duds.

VADER: You want to work here, choke!

VADER: You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you wookiee? You can’t take this, how can you take the blaster fire you get on a raid? You don’t like it, leave.

VADER: I can go out there tonight, with the battle stations you got, and kill myself fifteen thousand rebels. Tonight! In two hours!

[To Ozzel]

VADER: Can you?

[To Motti]

VADER: Can you?

VADER: Go and do likewise. F.O.R.S. Get mad, you clones of bitches, get mad! You know what it takes to crush rebellions? It takes brass rebreather units to crush rebellions.

VADER: Go and do likewise, officers. The rebels are out there. You wipe them out, they’re yours, you don’t I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out to those bases tonight and choke, choke, then it’s yours. If not you’re gonna be shining my faceplate.

VADER: And you know what you’ll be saying, a bunch of losers sitting around in a cantina. “Oh yeah, I used to be a Grand Moff. It’s a tough racket.”

[Vader pulls out a glowing vial.]

VADER: These are the new midichlorians. These are the Skywalker midichlorians. And to you, they’re Mandelorian gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them in a garbage compactor.

VADER: They’re for chokers.

VADER: I’d say the Force be with you, but you wouldn’t know who to electrocute with it if you had it.

[Vader straps his lightsaber back on and turns to Motti.]

VADER: And to answer your question, Admiral, why am I here? I came here because Palpatine and Sidious asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your scruffy head, because a nerf-herder is a nerf-herder.

[Vader twirls cape and leaves.]

Written by Timothy Patrick McMahon

January 9, 2011 at 11:35 am

Posted in Funny, Star Wars

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